I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't met me yet.
My wife was afraid of the dark then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.